Saturday, June 26, 2010

And The Sun Poured In Like Butterscotch....

This is the first morning in a long time (a whole four months) that I haven't had to wake up to go somewhere.  What a luxury.  I made an egg white and leftover ratatouille breakfast and sat down with a cup of coffee and Anne Lamott's new book Imperfect Birds to enjoy said breakfast.  As I sat eating and humming Chelsea Morning by Joni Mitchell I realized: I am at peace.

How far I've come; how much my life has changed in the last two years. How much am I blessed.  How many people I have to thank for their love and support.  I can only wish the kind of people I have will be available to you should you ever need it. 

Life will never be perfect, and there will be struggle till the day we die.  You know what I'm talking about.  But when you know you are loved, when you are well loved and you can take that in, the struggle becomes less the point.

Guess I'm just feeling grateful...and hopeful.  Its a good place to be.  Much love.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore

Maybe its the influence of Glee, but everything seems to be coming out with a theme song from some 80's power ballad lately. I swear after watching the finale (3 times in 2 days) I could NOT get "Faithfully" by Journey out of my head...or, for that matter, Finn. 

Are you ready for embarrassing admission number two? I cannot stop watching...well lets say it rhymes with Shmilight. I don't know why either. The acting is so-so, the love story they portray is unhealthy at best, unrealistic for sure, and quite possibly the most immature rendering of two people's feelings for each other I have ever witnessed. OK, I'll give you (if you'll give me) that the scenery is beautiful. So besides the cinematography, which is the only thing I'll admit (out loud) I like about this movie, what is it about this movie that has me watching it over and over again?

I am puzzling through this right now hoping that a blog post will help me figure it out. I'm not one of those gawker/stalker older women who is all into Edward Cullen. Frankly the pale faces on every single one of the vampires, I find, are ugly. I don't want some guy to be all broody all the time because of his tortured soul ( I lie, I totally go for the broody musician types). Neither do I want to be emotionally bounced around (he likes me, he doesn't like me).

I guess what it comes down to is that I want to be important to someone. And I want to be important enough that he'll go out of his way to get to know me. More than that, I want to be the principle character, the main player in my own life.  For so many years I have fit myself into whatever story is playing out, too afraid of failing at it to chance taking a larger role.  Sure I've added pizzazz to any ol' story line you put me in, but I was mostly a character actor, good for a laugh or a moment.

No longer.

I want my own life.  I want a story that won't be worth telling unless I'm in it.  And I want to share that story with someone special.  Let it be henceforth known, I am ready.